Bud Gott's Amazing Blog-O-Rama!

You ever have one of those days when you get depressed and you just can't seem to snap yourself out of it?

I felt like that a couple of days ago. I got to thinking about several different things in my life that I'm unhappy about and I got more and more depressed. Damn, if I went into all those things here, this would be one of the longest blog postings in the history of blog postings.

I'll spare you (and my fingers) all that typing.

Basically though, I guess all that depression boiled down to me not being happy with who I am...mainly because of fears and lack in confidence in myself. I've been a far more insecure and depressed person than those close to me have probably realized. For a long, long time now. I've had a lot of days like the one I had a couple of days ago.

We all have dreams or things we want to do with our lives. For me, fear of failure stopped me from truly going for those things. You know the old saying, "you're a failure if you don't even try?" Well, that's been my problem. Things I dreamt about, things I wanted to do....these things haven't happened yet because of me. I have no one else to blame but myself and my insecurities.

And because of all that, I pretty much haven't liked myself very much for a long time now. In return, I know I've hurt or let down other people along the way. I know I haven't been the friend, brother, son, whatever, that I should have been to several people. For this, I'm sorry.

Aside from letting others down, because of my insecurities, I've let myself down by not going for and not doing the things I've wanted.

Damn, I've just re-read what I've typed so far and it looks like a suicide note.

IT'S NOT!!!!!!!!!

It's a wake-up note to myself. The hell with all the insecurities, the doubts, the fears that I've had for so long. I'm done with them.

I'm done with not believing in myself. No more. Everything I wanted in the past that I never went for.....all the things I'm going to want in the future....I'm going for them. I'm going to start truly reaching for who I want to be.

I know that these are just a lot of good words and that actions speak louder than words. I'm going to start taking more actions and a difference will be made. Even when I fail some along the way, then so be it. I'll be trying harder and that's what really matters.

There's a great scene in the movie "Rocky Balboa" where Rocky says that life isn't about how hard you can hit, but about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.

I'm moving forward from now on.